Life can be pretty dull, sometimes I wake up in the morning and I think, you know what, I'm not going to work today, I rig up the snoring dummy, call my boss and make comedy illness noises down the phone using my synthesizer and I just go out and do a bit of traveling through time, or create a perfect woman using my computer, I can do these things because I know how, now you can too.
The secret of my success is having the right sidekick. You will need to make firm friends with one of the following
1. An eccentric old man inventor
2. A computer geek
3. An irresponsible idiot
4. An alien
Once you do your horizons will open up before you.
If you are an eccentric old man inventor, a computer geek, irresponsible idiot or an alien, you should befriend an ordinary person who yearns to abuse your unique talents and steer your ideas towards a quest for sex, money or power.
Note of caution:Be wary when befriending old men inventors as an old man that says he wants to experiment with you may have something very different in mind.
Got the right friend but still bored and can't think of something to do, try one of these....
Time Travel
Notable examples: Back to the Future, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Flight of the Navigator
Important note, if you are aged 18 or over, I think its safe to say you will never travel through time, as lets face it, if you did happen to have a time machine at some point in later life you would want to go back to when you were young and give it to yourself so you can lead the merry life of a time traveller hunting dinosaurs and creating paradoxes that cause the universe to implode, rather than spending 30 years in a crappy job hating your life.
If you did meet yourself when you were younger and turned down the time machine you are an idiot.
If you are under 18 there is still hope as your future self might just be waiting until you are mature enough to handle the whole time travel lifestyle so don't stop believing.
The ideal situation is obviously to have your inventor or geek friend make a time travel device that you can use but a random man giving you a time machine to save the future is a good second choice. Being taken by an alien while you lie unconscious in a ditch and forced to travel into a future where you've been missing for 8 years and everybody thinks your dead is less than ideal, and lying in ditches waiting for an alien to take you has its own dangers.
Creating a Cool Gadget or Sexy Lady
Notable examples: Weird Science, Dream a Little Dream 2, Mannequin
Your geek or inventor friend will hopefully be able to hook up your computer to a Barbie doll and create a real woman for you to lust after, tip, create her stupid and slutty for best results, the last thing you need is a hot woman trying to fix you up with ordinary looking girls your own age and making mutant bikers trash your house when you throw a party. Like all good scientific processes this one relies on being struck by lightning though so making friends with a weather man might also come in handy if you want to reanimate flesh, create sexy sluts or travel through time.
An easier way to get your very own sexy lady that will do anything you ask is to find a shop dummy that used to be an egyptian woman, not sure what she must have done to be reincarnated as a shop dummy but it can't have been good, remember though bad girls are dirty girls so its all good. Once found, fall in love with her despite her being made out of plastic and she will come to life when no-one else is around. Since you can't ask the dummy if it used to be an egyptian woman you'll just have to try every dummy you like the look of, if its not working you're not showing that you're in love well enough, try taking her to a restaurant for a romantic meal or ballroom dancing.
In Dream a Little Dream 2 a random delivery of magic sunglasses lets the wearer of one pair control the actions of the wearer of the other pair, obviously the best use of an invention like this is to make Corey Feldman dance like Michael Jackson, anything that makes Corey Feldman dance like Michael Jackson is worth getting your hands on
Steal Your Father's Car
Notable examples: Risky Business, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, License to Drive
Older readers may already own a car that is superior to their father's in which case you should skip straight to the section on contacting aliens.
Younger readers that don't have a car or even know how to drive yet will find vast amounts of pleasure from stealing and totaling your fathers car, just remember to blame it all on your irresponsible friend
Sooner or later your parents will leave you in the house on your own, they don't want to but they will have to and they'll go out in your mum's rubbish car leaving your dad's awesome vintage classic car sitting bored in the garage.
Take it, do as many high speed chases, jumps through the air, driving on two wheel stunts as you can, but make sure its completely totaled just before your parents get back or its not as fun.
Contact Aliens
Notable examples: - Explorers, Flight of the Navigator, The Last Starfighter
We've already discussed lying in a ditch as a viable means for meeting aliens, it's not the most reliable way though so try getting your geeky friend to create an air tight flying sphere that can be used to encompass a home made spaceship and fly off to meet aliens in space, easy, make sure the aliens are friendly though and don't give them directions to Earth until you are absolutely sure, I mean it.
If you can get to stage 10 on Space Invaders you may be lucky enough to be selected to defend an alien race you don't care about, in a war you know nothing about. As long as the alien attack force only moves slowly from side to side you'll be fine and win the hearts of every alien girl in the universe after an easy victory, if the bad guys have upgraded their tactics to Galaxian attack patterns you're screwed though.
Computer Fun
Notable examples: War Games, Electric Dreams, Weird Science
Bored of making sexy ladies with your computer, me too, why not try starting world war 3 or make your computer self aware and fight over the love of a neighbour. If she picks the computer over you though I'd keep it to myself.
Swap Bodies with Someone
Notable examples: Vice Versa, Dream a Little Dream, 18 Again, Freaky Friday
Done sensibly swapping bodies can be a fun way to pass the time, try finding someone who doesn't mind swapping, ideally somebody that has a totally different lifestyle to you, swapping with your friend at school or the cleaner at work isn't worth the effort and swapping with one of your parents will lead to many, many embarrassing situations for everyone involved. Try emailing the queen or President Obama, they may welcome the change of pace for a few days. Once you have a body swap buddy you both need to wish really hard to switch places, saying it out loud helps and if there is an enchanted object nearby, touch it.
Obviously being in somebody else's body is a privilege and shouldn't be abused but as Dream a Little Dream shows us, its ok to swap with Corey Feldman and make him dance like Michael Jackson, any opportunity to make Corey Feldman dance like Michael Jackson should be taken at all costs
